A Christmas List

Phew! Finally finished my overtime marathon and I am so ready for a couple of days of down time before it all starts again. Work has been beyond crazy this year so I have decided to compile a list of 'Do's' and 'Don'ts' for Christmas food shopping, as so many people get it so wrong. So next year you too can get it right!

DO plan ahead. There really is no excuse for not starting early, the only thing that needs buying Christmas week is your veg. Most shops start to put their Christmas stock out in early November, so start then!

DO think about what time you are going to do your shopping. Supermarkets are stocked overnight between 10pm and 6am, therefore early morning is best. 5pm is the worst as everyone goes straight from work. Thinking ahead will save time.

DO make a list. And check it twice. If you forget something, chances are you can live without it. Return trips will invariably raise your blood pressure to scary levels.

DO keep your cool. It will be busy and you will have to queue. This is nobody's fault, just deal with it.

DO stay in one place if you send a staff member off to find something for you. Nothing is worse than searching the aisles for someone who has wandered off to continue shopping.

DON'T attempt to catch the attention of a shop assistant by poking/pinching/playfully smacking/ramming them with a trolley or otherwise manhandling them. We don't appreciate it. Likewise whistling at us like sheepdogs and yelling 'Oi! You!' are equally likely to get you sent in the wrong direction when you ask for something.

DON'T assume we are lying to you because we don't have the item you want in stock. It really annoys us. If we are busy and you insist that we go in the warehouse to search, chances are that the staff member will disappear into the back, count to 30 and come back empty handed. Just to piss you off.

DON'T think that huffily announcing 'Fine! I'll go to Tesco/ASDA/Morrisons/etc!' will result in a beleaguered staff member dropping to their knees and begging you to reconsider. We really don't care where you shop and if you utter the above line you may get extremely accurate directions on how to get there. For example: Fuck off then.

DON'T come shopping one or two days before Christmas and expect the shelves to be full and the car park devoid of other shoppers. Also yelling 'What do you mean you don't have any (insert item here)?' at someone may result in your messy death as you are beaten to death with a tin of 10p baked beans. It's fucking Christmas, what do you expect!

So in conclusion, just generally avoid supermarkets and you (and I) will make it through Christmas with our sanity intact.