What's black, and white and red all over?

Me, in my new gym kit, after an aerobics class!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am officially the most malcoordinated human being on planet Earth. It wasn't even proper aerobics, but LBT (not the sandwich, that's BLT) and I still spent most of the time going;

Left leg, arm, lunge, right, no left, ah FUCK IT!

Ever heard that saying 'pale and interesting'? The only interesting thing about being as pigmentally challenged as me is the how every time I do a bit of exercise I look like one giant aneurysm waiting to happen. I just can't help it. I am practically translucent at the best of times (flash photography has interesting effects) but when I run I turn a VERY odd colour. Not just my face and chest but also my arms and legs.

In future I will therefore only exercise by candlelight.

I do have a remedy for my clumsy exercise efforts, this only works outside the gym. But its fab. This cure all is MASSIVE sunglasses. Big Jackie O style sunglasses make even the most klutzy unkempt madam into an instant goddess. Plus if they are as large as mine then no can tell that your eyebrows need plucking or that you have dark circles.

Fashion genius!